Today I Asserted My Manhood

By Michael DeBenedictis

Today I asserted my manhood, in gladiator arena-like battle,
And proved the superiority and evolutionary advantage
Of mankind of over a lower and inferior species…
Insects, specifically, and not just the annoying land and fly away kind.

In my pursuit of cleanliness I entered the bathroom,
With full intent of preparing a calming, relaxing bath,
Only to find that there was an intense buzzing emanating
From behind the cover of closed window blinds.

Just as any other normal day I walked into the bathroom,
And began to disrobe out of my work clothes,
I was down to my underoos, but today I heard a buzzing,
Thinking it was nothing more than a common pest of a housefly, and nothing more.

Gingerly approaching the window I bravely pictured my sneaky approach
As I reached the pull-string and began to raise the blind,
Revealing not the expected house fly, but worse,
The revolting, infuriating, hostile enemy of all God-fearing men and women…the hornet.

It flew toward me and I ran for the door,
Shrieking like a scared child who thought they saw a closet monster
And hurriedly, in a panic, closed the door securely behind me,
Stuffing a towel between the carpeted floor and the space from the bottom of the door.

I heard the incessant, insult to all that is good, upright, and just,
And thought out my plan of attack, after a decent amount of scaredy-cat panic time,
But organized an attack in my mind and prepared it,
Arming myself for battle with my Goliath-like foe…a lone hornet.

Upstairs I bounded to collect indoor safe spray bleach,
Along with hair spray, and on the way back to the main floor,
Picked up a can of air freshener and, from behind the bar, Raid,
Ready to go toe to toe, mano a mano, and face to face with this imposing beast.

With my weapons of choice assembled and gathered
I addressed my near nakedness and covered back up,
In full battle gear of protective jeans, long sleeve shirt, and socks,
Staging my handpicked tools for conquering destiny in quick reach range.

With aforementioned towel stuff removed, and a flick of the wrist,
I loaded one hand with air fresher and the other with spray bleach,
Flung open the door with a courageous warrior yell, or rather a childish, scared shriek,
Sprayed the doorway, preventing escape, and locked myself in with the savage.

Two had now entered the battle zone and only one would leave,
And this battle, being a fair fight all in all, I made the first move,
Locating the resting hornet and spraying it with air freshener to disorient it,
As well as spray bleach to knock it from successful flight.

I drove it back to the windowsill shelf, where it first took up a battle position upon,
And began to mercilessly continue spraying it with indoor safe bleach,
But then, feeling a second wind, it flew up and above the cabinet, with mirrored doors,
Only to meet more air freshener and spray bleach, to be knocked back to said sill.

There, it began to see its demise, as I confirmed it was down,
After a few more sprays with both bits of ammunition in my employ,
And I exited the bathroom to collect the big guns, the Raid,
Completing my sworn, vengengeful enemy’s vanquish.

Returning with the uncapped, armed hornet and wasp killer I landed effective shots,
As well as sprays that left this bloodthirsty, purely evil, vile enemy swimming
In a mix of indoor safe, spray bleach and Raid, spinning, and looking up at me,
With a head cocked to the side, as if begging for mercy, or taunting me further.

Continuing to spray this wrathful, once dominating creature of fear and distress,
It twitched its last twitches and writhed its last writhes,
Until it expired, and I promptly left the bathroom again,
To return with a wad of paper towels, to crush him in and wipe up the puddle of embalming fluid.

Having properly crushed this foul force of no good, whatsoever,
And cleaned up the scene of the carnage, having overcome this burdensome, heathenous brute,
I crushed it some more, ran water from the sink over the towel, wrung it out,
And having ensured its being thoroughly squished, and dead, wrapped that mummified coffin layer in newspaper.

This sarcophagus was promptly dropped into the garbage bin under bar,
After noticing the ink on the front page turn red and green from between moistened with my weapons of choice,
Or as a symbolic sign of the offending, villainous invader’s life running out of him,
And I felt I won the battle honorably, nobly, and fairly.

As far as I am concerned the odds were evenly matched,
No unfair advantage was had by either side, and a noble battle carried out,
With the prosperous victor leaving the bathroom, dragging the defeated contestant out, lifeless,
Myself having absolutely, and with no doubt, shown mankind to be evolutionarily superior to insects.

(We will just leave out the length of time it took to build up the courage
To actually enter the bathroom and face down this lone, single hornet,
As well as the time it took to research how to kill hornets in your house
Via Google and texting mother – like a truly independent, brave soldier, of course.

We will also leave out the additional, multiple times I shrieked
In pure terror of the specter of the dogfight pilot flight-like capability
This enemy was equipped with, as I gathered my asinine amount of manmade spray chemicals,
Because I intended for this to be a fair, honorable, level and even fight, after all.

Never mind the fact that I am also a grown, thirty-five year old man,
Absolutely terrified of insects and creepy crawlies, but otherwise perfectly – sort of, almost, mildly – brave and courageous.)

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Michael DeBenedictis

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